英语笑话

celiahe

King and a queenThere once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and Harry.
After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her.
He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist.
The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist.
Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity.
Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress.
All of them had lost their penises!
He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same.
By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not lost his penis.
The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him!
Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth.

celiahe

Identity theftAs many as 26 and a half million veterans reported at risk for identity theft after someone stole a computer disk containing their names, birth dates and social security numbers.

Why aren't these files put somewhere where no one can find them, like the same place where we keep President Bush's National Guard records?

celiahe

Wheres HenryA group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

celiahe

Murphys Law in Sex1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

celiahe

Saddams adviserSaddam Hussein's former adviser, Tariq Aziz, testified at Saddam's trial while wearing pajamas.
Aziz said he was confused and thought he was testifying at the Michael Jackson trial.